mandalay

Losing the Game

So about three weeks ago, I registered on an online dating site. I was tired of all of my thoughts being dominated by men who are completely inaccessible. Best to find guys who are moderately inaccessible through the internets. I learned a few things quickly, namely that online dating actually functions almost identically to real-life dating. In other words, certain dictums still hold true: 1) even men who have resorted to online dating retain the need to be the pursuer; 2) if women attempt to pursue, they are met with little if any response; 3) a woman must only look and flirt quietly initially; 4) men are still as likely to scare; and 5) they still want younger women and women still want men who are mature.

I was first contacted by an attractive guy whose search radius I was outside of. He lives in San Fran and I'm in Santa Cruz. I wrote him back a short, casual email and got no response... until 10 days later. At which point, I was already talking to someone else and annoyed with the delayed response. Most of the guys who email me are not my type. I have a very specific type which I break from rarely. I like guys who are tall, have dark hair and usually have a little bit of goofiness visible. I'm not sure that I could explain the goofiness, but Vince Vaughn is a decent example. I like guys who don't take themselves too seriously, but still have some ambition. This is often hard to find. I've realized that my attraction to guys who tend to lighten the mood, whether subconscious or no, is pretty deliberate. I am someone who tends to wallow. I know how to have fun, but I overthink things and I plan, and I like being with men who can shock me out of myself so I can't but have a good time. My last relationship I dated someone very much like me, brooding but funny and we totally dragged each other down. It was awful. Anyway, so I get the sense from a lot of the guys that email me that they're shy or reserved or serious, and I know how poorly that would end up. I am not the loud and fun to your quiet and kind. I need to be the sarcastic and introspective to your ambitious and funloving.

A guy who actually fit the bill to a tee contacted me several days after I got on. He was really witty through email and the banter we had was fantastic. His pictures were fun, he was well-traveled, very intelligent, interested in society and environmental issues, read a lot, was musical, etc. Two things which might bother other people but didn't bother me were the facts that he didn't have a college degree and worked in construction. In my opinion, if someone is happy, intelligent and ambitious in whatever they're doing, then that's enough. For a couple of weeks, we exchanged emails almost every day until Thanksgiving. My friend Lauren shared with me the feeling of "he was already my boyfriend in my head" that she had with a couple of guys she talked to online, only to have those hopes dashed when she met them. The last email the guy sent me was on Saturday evening while I was with friends in Texas. It was a great email, as usual, and he finished by saying he was sure I would be busy getting settled back in at home, but to "talk soon." I wrote him back Monday night, proud of myself that I had actually taken the time to resettle and get some school stuff done before responding. Upon rereading my email the next day, I realized I had written the entire thing without asking a question so I sent off a short snippet midday Tuesday responding to something I hadn't yet spoken to.

Then nothing. I'm afraid I may have committed the crucial mistake of "thou shalt not look too eager" and dashed the whole thing before we even got to meet by sending the second email. That I got overconfident with his "talk soon" by talking often. Of course, there's no way to know for sure and I do know better than to send a questioning email. I also know better than to send the "but I really think we could have had something" email.

posted by amanda @ 9:54 AM