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hello internet. so i've been indisposed for a while, stressed at work, stressed about grad school applications, spending hours and hours doing intensive poetry-editing. yes, there is such a thing as intensive editing, even of poetry. oh and i've been sick.but right now, i'm sitting at my computer in my frosty blue-colored flannel pajamas that have little yellow stars all over them that i bought when i was still a *teenager* from that icon of teenage girl hip-ness, delia's. when i went off to college and was talking to the roomie that i hadn't met yet, long before i had to wake up to her bare/thong-clad ass every morning because the covers had fallen off, or held her hair back when she puked at shelby's party, and loooooooong before she made out with my best
so recently, i've been hanging out with new people. and i certainly don't have anything against my old friends, but almost all of the ones from austin have left, so my circle has been shifting. this is what i've found: there really is life out there. i tend to forget sometimes when i get too comfortable with my routine and don't really go out that much that it is possible to meet new people in this area. i'm not saying i'm having a change of heart or anything - i'm still going to leave austin at some point in the next year - but right now i'm sitting here in my awesome little hyde park apartment, thinking, you know, this place isn't so bad.
the last 3 weekends, i've hung out with my old and dear friend shelby - first weekend we went downtown, a week ago he had a party, and on saturday he and i had some people out to the ranch to chill and party around a fire, barbeque, and enjoy the hot tub and steam shower at my parents' new house. the weather was perfect: cool, breezy, in the 60s during the day, 40 or so at night and the stars were absolutely amazing. it reminded me of the days when i used to drive out of the city limits in midland to this place we called "the grassy knoll" which was near an oil well on a backroad and we would just sit and talk and look at the sky and enjoy the dark and the simple pleasure of each other's company. if only life could be like that every day.
my supervisor quit/got fired on friday. i've been at this job now for nearly a year, and the last six months, i've been able to make myself stay because of her. she's one of those really earnest and dedicated people, and yeah, i know i just write courses for a website and i could be doing a lot worse, but it's definitely not what i want to be doing. now of course, everyone's gears are turning and we're all thinking about finding new places to go
i thought some of you might be interested to see some of the poetry i've been working on, so i'm going to include one here. more later.
heart
Delicate thing, ruby shadow,
Forged of crimson and bones.
It's just a clot, cold terminal;
Nobody calls it a home.
Such a carnivore--hearts don't have chambers,
Neat little carpeted rooms of desire--
But webs of fur and threadbare wings
And finger bones still clutched together.
Where is the muscle within this mass?
The stretch, the grow, the sinewy strength,
The pump that forbids all emptiness,
The totem against a lifetime of ache?
What nourishment to offer it--
What feeds this feeding heart?
Not bowls of water, nectar, or rice,
Or light to dispel the dark.
The British know there's balance
Between savory and sweet.
The choicest desserts require sacrifice,
Best pudding made with neck and feet.
The secret is to use it all,
Be it collarbone or skin--
We do not love what is whole,
But what we make whole again.
I'll boil it, then, this whole damned stew,
Simmer with chocolate and clove,
Serve it as it was meant to be--
Pain thickening into love.
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