mandalay

my little ocd post

Since I just finished reading Xenocide, I have a certain hesitation to identify myself as a sufferer of OCD. We all have our moments, I'm sure, perhaps some of us more than others. At one time or another, you could say that I have a little ADD, a little OCD and even a little GAD. But last night, I had a moment when I was sprawled on hands and knees, back aching, scraping a tiny bit of mildewed caulk from the grout in my shower with a small metal contraption I found in my tool kit, when I became painfully self-aware and thought, my god, amanda, you've got issues.

When I moved into my apartment, I remember looking at the tub and being baffled that someone had actually conveyed a lease on an apartment to me with an unclean shower. There was mildew creeping around the shiny white caulk edges that couldn't be removed with any amount of bleach or scrubbing. The last month or two, it had gotten so bad that I started to fear an onslaught of silverfish creeping out from the cracks behind where my neck rested on the tub ledge, rendering my baths utterly uncalming. So Sunday night, I applied some caulk remover to the most suspect areas of the tub and last night, I began the chore. I soon realized that either my landlord or predecessor had decided against actually fixing the problem, and had instead gone over the old mildewed parts with new caulk. sigh. I just can't even comprehend how people can not do things right. If I see that something is wrong, it is impossible for me to just fix it superficially and be done. Always, in the back of my mind, it would eat at me. I think this is part of the reason that I'm not a good liar. I'd much rather the ugly truth be out there for everyone than to pretend it's something it's not.

Anyway, after about two hours at this, filled with a fair amount of squealing and pulling long murky lengths of slimy caulk from between the tile and the tub, I had removed almost all of the problem. I was tempted to take pictures of the disgustingness of it, but I'm sorry, Sophia, I decided some things are best left undocumented. Then I retrieved the pieces from the tub bottom as best as I could and washed the minor bits down the drain. BIG mistake.

This morning when I tried to shower, the water reached above my ankles by the time I turned it off and got out. It hadn't receded at all by the time I left for work. My task LOOMED at me all day at work. So when I got home just a short while ago, I went straight to the bathroom and started digging in the drain with the same little flat-edged tool. Ugh. Not only did I find much of the discarded caulk, but I also found lots of hair and debris that does not belong to me. I'm blonde. Now begins the stage where hours, days or perhaps weeks pass before I actually feel the need to finish. It'll definitely be done before August 1st. Though beyond that, I promise nothing. Just because I'm OCD doesn't mean I can't procrastinate.

posted by amanda @ 4:39 PM