The Big R
In December, my friend Shelby and I decided that, rather than trying to find dates to our office Christmas parties, we would go with each other and take advantage of the free drinks and food. The night of Shelby's, we were discussing our respective problems with relationships. After much whiskey and gin (and a few snakebites and apple martinis) on the company tab, we finally got down to
the question: what is it that the other sex wants? While, naturally, there's no one solution to this question, I think that there are some that come close. For Shelby, his answer to me was that, when it came down to it, guys want a girl who will feed them, sleep with them, and live their own lives. Intelligence and personality are givens.
I'm not sure exactly what I told Shelby at the time concerning what a woman wants in her male partner, but this is precisely what Sophia and I have been conversing about in the months since. Stripping everything else away, this is what I think most women want in a man: we want a guy who wants something besides us and is willing to figure out what it is and work to get it -- in other words, ambition. Also, and this is one that could be super-easy, we'd rather have no expectations than unfulfilled ones. For example, we don't want a guy to say "I'll call you tonight" and then not call till 11 pm. Nor do we want to hear "Would you like to go to dinner sometime?" without any kind of follow-up. The best approach would be for him to either call without warning or to say he's going to call around a certain time and then do it. Same goes for dinner. No plans are better than vague plans. As I told Shelby back in December, a girl would be elated to have a guy call her up and say "What are you doing Friday? Would you like to go to dinner at 7:30? How 'bout Madre's?" Beyond that, we want him to show that there are times when he isn't with us that he's thinking about us: showing up, calling to ask how our day has been, etc. While many men seem to think that being in a relationship means having a woman take over their life, we really just want to be allowed a little space in the life he already has. In other words, we want to be a natural thought he has, we want to be considered.
Four years ago, I ended my longest relationship (of 2+ years) partly because he didn't have the ambition necessary to make himself happy. But I've now realized that he did have a lot of other things that I haven't been able to find in the many short relationships I've had since then, several with very ambitious guys. He was completely supportive, willing to make room for me, loved me, desired me and never freaked out about the fact that he was in a relationship. What I'm starting to think is that, often, when guys are particularly ambitious, they think of a relationship as a roadblock to getting where they want to go. But for women, we see a relationship as a means of support that allows us to pursue our ambitions, our other passions. If an equation were possible for this, the woman's version would be:
passion + passion = fulfillment.
whereas I think (at this twenty-something age) the male version would be:
passion + passion = failure.
Labels: passion
hooky
what a beautiful day. because i've been rather stressed at work lately, i decided to play hooky today. yesterday i got my hair cut and hung out and then drank a beer with my, uhh, stylist (can you call a boy a stylist?) and once i started with the beer i wanted to keep going. so i talked to sophia for a while and then went over to shelby's and watched some heated ping-pong before we went and got free chipotle. mmm. it was a long easy evening and while i was there i was thinking, man i so don't want to go to work tomorrow. so i didn't. i stayed in bed till 10, got up, screwed around on the internet, showered, and then decided to watch alias, which i'd recorded last night. BUT when i was channel-surfing, waiting for the tape to rewind, i couldn't believe what i saw on tbs. that's right, folks, "Ed" is in syndication. rejoice! i freaking love that show! and not only was it right at the beginning of the episode, but it was possibly my favorite episode ever, the one where warren is trying to figure out what to do because he had this moment with a girl on top of a mountain and they talked and he was really upset because he didn't kiss her and he was afraid that his "window of opportunity" had closed and that now they could only be friends. it's the same episode where ed dresses up like colonel sanders so he can be best man in the wedding of this couple whose decision to get married was contingent on whether the bowling-challenged boy got a strike. and he did. man i love that show. anyway, i watched that and then began alias, all giddy from my ed discovery. about 1 or so i decided i should probably eat something and realized i'd left my leftover chipotle at shelby's, so i called him to see if i could come by. he insisted that i take another free card rather than have leftovers, and since he happened to be home for lunch, he left one on his dresser for me before he had to go back to work. so i drove over there, taking the scenic route through barton hills. i got out jeff buckley's "grace" and drove around in the sunshine (it has been too long, sun!) with the cool air, man, so nice. for some reason, taking a day off during the week is always better than a weekend. because it's like everything else is still happening, but you're the one who's taken the time to slow down and enjoy it. and it made me really happy that there wasn't a moment today where i took a break to go outside and had to think "man, what a beautiful day. i wish i wasn't at work so i could enjoy it." because i'm not. and i can.
crave
Day 1:
8:05 a.m.
Warning: female content.
And so it begins. Last night, I had my so-called last meal, which consisted of leftover Juan in a Million (a Don Juan taco), some regular coca-cola (still in my fridge from xmas) and two brownies that I baked Thursday night. At the time of baking, I had my suspicions as to why I had a ravenous appetite and wanted to gorge myself on chocolate and, while I am always loath to admit that we get weird cravings or moods at this time, it was confirmed yesterday by the arrival of the joy! of womanhood.
Now, this presents a problem in more ways than one. I had decided in carrying out this fast that I wanted to do it the right way, re: no extraneous substances. Now I don't take lots of painkillers; from my intimate knowledge of headaches, I've found that drugs often do absolutely no good, but when, as the Penobscots say, I am "in my moon," I usually go at least three days taking 800-2000 mg of ibuprofen a day. We'll see how long I last without or if I end up in the fetal position under my desk at work (and no, I'm not exaggerating, it is possible).
Friday night, I slept only about 2 hours, Saturday clocked in at about 12 and then last night, snoozed for a grand total of 4. When I woke up this morning at 5:40, I decided to get up and do some yoga. Right now it is 8:16. I am a breakfast person, so I am already hungry. I'm heating water in the break room for some herbal tea. I'm hoping that by tonight, I can get 6 hours or so and begin to equalize, though who knows how my body will respond to no caffeine? It's made me sleepless before.
11:00 a.m. and already my will is weak. I just drank some chamomile tea and have been jamming to modest mouse, until I got to the part where Isaac brock sings "My brain's the burger and my heart's the charcoal" and of course, being the highly suggestable soul I am, I thought, "mmm... burger." And now the taco man has come and brought my favorite (chorizo breakfast tacos) and yet I must prevail. Why am I doing this again?
Day 2
9:51 a.m.
Yesterday didn't go so terribly. By the time evening came around, I'd already passed the most difficult point and knew I wouldn't have to break the fast. Of course, people telling me about their wonderful meals (thanks to Ross for the description of the tiramisu he's making for Elle, my mom for the smothered pecan pancakes she had yesterday in Blanco, and Sophia for the chicken spaghetti story ) as well as my visit to Wheatsville didn't help matters. Nor did the lovely program on TLC entitled "Diets from Hell" which I only watched long enough to see a 30-year-old woman who had literally starved herself deaf.
So yesterday I had the following: a cup of almond herbal tea, a cup of chamomile herbal tea and a small glass of coconut-pineapple juice. Before I left for work this morning, I skinned six large carrots and threw a small handful of kale into the juicer. I was actually really surprised by how it tasted. I'm not saying that I wouldn't prefer some curried chicken salad, but it was actually rather sweet and more subtle than I was expecting. And the addition of the kale really didn't mess it up. However, I don't know that I'll be able to do such a large glass in the future. Now I'm finishing up some hibiscus tea. My energy has not been great. We'll see if I get delirious and that changes. Right now, I think the caffeine withdrawal is a bit overpowering -- I fully intended to halt my soda drinking pre-fast, but on Sunday, when faced with the prospect of eating my Don Juan without a diet coke, I just couldn't do it. I went home yesterday at lunch and took a nap for an hour. I don't want to have to do that again, but I've only been here two hours and Ich bin müde!
1:21
I accompanied Kristin to the grocery store just to get out of the office and helped her pick out some ravioli. It was pretty damned exciting. Word to the wise: don't go to two grocery stores within 24 hours of a fast. Now I'm back at my desk, slowly drinking a small glass of blueberry-cranberry juice and snuffing out the sins of plagiarism.
9:11
Well I didn't have any set amount of time that I was going to do this thing, though I had considered trying 3 days, but after 48 hours of no food consumption, I decided it was time to visit thundercloud and get a sandwich (and I'm so glad I did because I ran into a guy I worked with at Mozart's -- the same one who showed me on my first day how to spoon the drunk fruit flies off the lemon tarts!). I still haven't had any caffeine though and let me tell you, the nap I took this afternoon was freaking awesome. I think I had visions. I'm pretty pleased with the experience and will probably try it again in the not-so-distant future. And the darnedest thing - I actually didn't need those painkillers...
Labels: food
the approach
I seem to be approaching comfort. I'm not sure that I can explain this but I will try. Recently, I've gotten really tired of having extra things and clutter in my life. I began cleaning my apartment, doing a massive overhaul, getting clothes together for goodwill, stripping my shower, going through years of papers and old greeting cards and just generally trying to simplify. But then it wasn't enough. I wanted to be healthier too. When I couldn't find my Pilates tape, I started doing yoga about a week ago. And loved it. I love the way I feel while I'm doing it, I love the energy it gives me and I love the soreness across my back and ribs and legs that I feel the day after. But that wasn't enough either so I began to think about all the crap I eat and decided it was about time to stop that. The thing is that I don't feel like just switching to a new diet is enough. So yesterday I began researching fasting online as a way to de-tox my body and I plan on taking a few days to prepare, de-caffeine my body and such and then next week I'll begin. I haven't decided how long I'm going to go, probably just 3-5 days, but I'm just going to see how I feel in the midst of it. And of course, as happens so often, I started to see signs of synchronicity today. When I mentioned the fasting idea to a couple of my co-workers, I found out that one of them had done a fast for nearly a month with the master cleanse program. I just learned yesterday what master cleanse was, and it's basically water with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. I think that's all you drink while on it. But of course, in addition to hearing about it from Mary, I looked at
Joanna's site and saw that she too is renewing her efforts at health and even mentioned the master cleanse thing in relation to veganism. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to try that, I just plan on drinking fruit juice and herbal tea, but we'll see. Also, I've really only wanted to listen to quiet peaceful music. I've been feeling pretty quiet. Oh how I long to have Sufjan Stevens on my computer here at work.
Slightly unrelated: I went to see "Closer" at the movies a couple of weeks ago and, while I didn't think it was terrible, I thought it tried way too hard to be a living metaphor for relationships. But this is not what I want to say about it. What I want to say is that it has ruined Damien Rice for me. I can't listen to "The Blower's Daughter" without seeing Natalie Portman in my mind walking in slow motion down a fucking sidewalk. She's cute but not cute enough that I want her walking through my head in slow motion all the fucking time.
