exit music
the last few days have definitely been a good preparation for my impending departure. friday night was spent at lauren's having dinner and drinks with the ladies, eating spaghetti, drinking wine, and talking about boys. saturday, i went through my storage unit, opened all the boxes so carefully packed a month ago and re-sorted what is and isn't necessary for the next two years of my life. i also acquired quite the sunburn. then yesterday, ross and i went to brunch with davie who was in town from new york. in april, i'll be photographing davie's wedding and i am very excited about it. it occurred to me today that i could probably count on two hands the number of times i've hung out with davie in the time i've known him. and yet i consider him one of my best friends. there are just some people in this world that you feel an instant connection with, and distance and hours spent together don't seem to have any bearing on your relationship. after we hung out with everyone, we drove around, listened to radiohead, went to mt. bonnell and chatted while looking out over the lake. it was a muggy austin night and the moon was full. often uncomfortable, but still bordering bliss, much like i would classify the last nine years here.
for the last week or so, every song i hear sounds like leaving. i have a perpetual lump in my throat. people keep saying aren't you excited? but really i'm so caught up in the details of moving and the people i have to leave behind that i've barely thought about it. today after months without response, the man formerly expected to be "the one" dropped me a note to see how i was and how my show had gone. i felt as if my lung collapsed. every delusion i'd had of moving on, of being untouchable by him any longer, was dispelled. true to form and our history, all it took was me thinking of him, wondering how he was, for contact to occur. for 8 years we have been doing this. every time something significant happens in the other's life, usually when the other person has no idea about it, we'll sense it, and call or email. it often shatters our peaceful respective worlds.
the lovely dorothy saved me from my dwelling disposition and we dined at blue star cafeteria for dinner, where 5% of our bill was going to help in darfur on this monday eve. it was wonderful and she helped as always to pull me out of my head and bring me back to the pure enjoyment of the moment. i am absolutely in awe of the wonderful people i have met since i've been here. i already miss you all.
8-day countdown: the to do list
8: buy new translation of "in search of lost time" to read on the beach in the 4 weeks i'll have between arriving in cali and starting school. nothing says starting over like reading the greatest work ever penned by a sickly and possibly crazy shut-in.
7: go through and rethink everything that has already been packed and stored for the move to cali now that i have perspective on future space restrictions and sell or store almost all of the furniture and miscellany i've been acquiring for 8 years.
6: hang out with my favorite people, eat all of my favorite dishes and drink all of my favorite drinks before leaving. (people seen in last two weeks: elle, ross, dorothy, shelby, porter, cambria, mary grace, angela, lauren, tarfia, swen, robert; food eaten: opal's fries, eddie v's asparagus w/hollandaise, la taverna's pear & gorgonzola pasta; spirits imbibed: lindeman's framboise lambic on draft, mojitos with cams)
5: do at least one of the following things i've always meant to do in austin but haven't: see the bats, go on a tour of the UT tower observation deck , or go to stubb's gospel brunch. who's coming with me? (things i'd like to do again if i have time: see a movie at the drafthouse, walk around town lake)
4: return: sex & the city box set to best buy, new stereo to best buy, clothes to banana republic.
3: find the pad of paper that has the insurance information for the guy who rear-ended me last month and file a claim now that i've discovered there is some damage. additionally: call my insurance company who declined to pay $400 of my emergency room bill and set them straight.
2: sell some of the lovely framed photographs from my show as i can't take them with me.
1: have a really fucking good time and take as many pictures as possible.
why i'm looking forward to living in santa cruz: part one
with each day that passes here in austin, even while saying goodbye to some really great friends, more and more situations arise that reinforce how good it is that i'm leaving. one of these occasions came to pass yesterday as i was trying to exit the polvo's parking lot, which people tend to spill into and use like a staging area, perching on cars while doing makeup, talking on the phone, drinking margaritas, etc. well yesterday i walked to my car which was in one of the front spaces and there were about 20 people scattered about. but none of them right behind my car. i get in immediately, turn the car on, glance to my left and right, and back up about 2 inches before i check my rearview where i am met with two seething, mouth-agape looks from a couple of women that apparently decided to lean on my car in the 10 seconds it took me to get in, start it up (are they deaf? were they waiting for a flashing light? some kind of ice cream truck music to announce my proximal motion?) and put my seat belt on.
they then saunter out of the way and i wait patiently for them to move and back out. naturally they feel the need to share their feelings. not usually one to back away from an argument, i roll my window down and say "excuse me?" and one of them says "you almost ran over my friend," to which i respond "i didn't almost run over your friend." "whatever. you could at least say you're sorry." so i smiled and said "i'm sorry" in an admittedly overly saccharin tone. which was met with "you're a fucking bitch." i countered in the only way i saw fit in this situation "no, you're a bitch." and i turned out of the parking lot.
juvenile? yes, i know. i admit it. but being yelled at in a parking lot in front of a boatload of people doesn't exactly inspire maturity in me. that said, i also know that trying to reason with this girl by saying anything along the lines of "umm you're the ones who went up to a car that had a person in it and was running and decided it would be a good place to rest your ass" (in a nicer way of course) wasn't going to get me anywhere.
i am completely jaded by driving in austin. the only two things that i really don't like about austin? 1) the sticky heat, and 2) driving. this is not a kind place to be in a car. people are assholes. everyone here feels so damn entitled. people crossing the street are entitled. people riding bikes are entitled. and people driving their cars are entitled. hell, even the buses are entitled (let me tell about the brand new $50 bench cushion that got ruined in '05 when a bus swerved across two lanes of traffic in front of me and i had to slam on my brakes sending a soda shooting forward and exploding all over my car). when people feel they are entitled, they don't play well with others. they don't let you into their lane, they cut you off, they deliberately drive through red lights because they're too important to wait like everyone else.
i spent a *lot* of time driving around in santa cruz last week when i was looking for apartments. all over the town, for hours a day. and this is what i found. people there are nice. no one was honking. there was no flipping of the bird. getting onto and off of the highway was easy. people slow down when you have your blinker on to get over, rather than speeding up to crowd you out. even when i ended up down by the boardwalk on a weekend day stuck for 20 minutes as pedestrian traffic completely overtook every nearby street, it was so benign. so patient.
the time of texans being move-, talk-, and live-life-like-molasses kind of people is gone. at least in austin. and that's a damn shame.
Labels: stupidstupidstupid cali
luminous
two weeks ago, lauren and i went to fado to meet up with an old friend that we did a summer choir tour with in high school. neither of us particularly like the entitled over-testosteroned clientele that tends to leer from every corner in this
irish chain bar, but our friend for some reason was giddy to see this awfulsome u2 cover band play so there we were.
the night went pretty well. we had a solid two hours to drink before our friend showed up with his friends so we did our best to get a buzz off the weak drinks (i switched to straight bailey's to speed up the process) and we got a good laugh at the band and enjoyed the people watching. when our friend showed up, everyone was having a good time and with the exception of his friend's brother (a royal tool who requested that i flash him and later grabbed my breast as a picture was being taken), it was a really enjoyable evening.
as things were winding down and people were getting drunker (though i had eased off to maintain a clear head to get us home), a guy came up to me while i was taking pictures of our group. he asked me about my camera, if i was a photographer, etc. i won't say that he had me at hello, but i will say the french accent didn't hurt. we hung out and talked a while. he was cute, well-dressed in a very casual way. i wasn't sure yet that i was attracted to him, but i was sure that i wasn't ready for him to leave. the bar was closing and plans were being discussed. our friends were going back to their house and we were invited. i asked the guy if he wanted to come with us and he said sure.
directions got complicated. when he found out how far south it was, he suggested we hang out at his place instead, which was only a couple of blocks away. since other people had already left though, i felt we had to go. he began to bow out. i really didn't want him to go and i said as much. that i'd really like to keep talking to him and he should come with. he seemed skeptical. i think i was extra ballsy just because the guy had approached me first so i was more sure that he was interested. i beseeched him to join us. we looked at each other and his eyes wavered.
he agreed.
in a french accent.
swoon.
from that point, we set off to my car with my rather tipsy friend lauren between us. jerome was a really good sport and helped her when she stumbled and we eventually made our way to far far south austin after a couple of very confusing phone calls with our out-of-town friend. apparently he had to go back downtown to pick up a little lost sheep but said it shouldn't be long, told us what number the apartment was and that someone may already be at the apartment so we could try to go in or wait in the lot.
so we hung out in the parking lot for a while. asked the requisite questions of each other, etc. it began to feel sort of conspiratorial and i decided to go see about the apartment. no one answered and i quietly opened the door, hoping i had remembered the number correctly, and found the annoying grabby brother passed out on the couch. i went back and retrieved lauren and jerome and we made our way into the apartment.
we all sat on the floor and tried to talk quietly so as not to rouse the sleeping beast. when the others got in, it got loud despite us and the boy and i both felt a little on the fringe, as we were relatively sober by this point and obviously the only ones. we sat looking at each other and finally amid all the chaos i quietly asked if he was ready to go. he said he was fine staying and i said "i want to go. do you want to go?" he said yes. so i stood up, told everyone we were leaving, finally managed to extricate myself (my friends seemed a smidge concerned) and we set off.
an aside: i do not make it a habit to run off with strange boys, but i don't think this is so much because i'm opposed to it as it is that most boys forward enough to approach me in a social situation are what would be referred to as "players." in fact, until this chance run-in, i had deemed fado the one place i'm most likely to get hit on by lecherous beasts in the most predictable way possible "my friend thinks you're really cute but he's too shy to say so himself." "what's your sign? i bet you're an aries. no? really?!! oh you're a leo? so i guess you're this, this, this and this." and then the one that takes the cake which transpired during a bachelorette party... "wow, you looked so good doing that... if i pay for it, will you take another blowjob shot?" my point being, i *love* meeting cute strangers who aren't players. all of my romantic and otherwise fantasies since i was a girl have involved the chance meeting. my favorite thrilling moments are the same way. a guy in an elevator in st. louis that complimented me on my eyes. the friend of a friend who invited himself into a hot tub with me and reached across to brush an eyelash from my cheek and then taught me a little rhyme before i made a wish. normal, intelligent women may not like to be hit on, but we do like to be approached.
when i pulled up to jerome's building downtown, i put the car in park and sat back. we looked at each other and i prepared myself for what was coming.
do you want to come up?i contemplate.
i'm not sure.
you don't have to if you don't want to. nothing has to happen. but it's late and you should probably get some sleep before you drive any more.suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. because sleep is what's going to transpire. nonetheless, i like him. and when i weigh everything in my head, for some reason i trust the guy. so i turn off the car.
we make our way upstairs and into his apartment. it's very nice, tasteful, has some decent prints on the walls, books (thank god), and a couple of kitty cats. he pulls out his laptop to show me his photo site (per an earlier conversation) and we lean on the counter, shoulder to shoulder, as he clicks through the photos. they're actually not bad. we talk cameras and lenses (sigh), look at his gear (
camera gear—get your mind out of the gutter), and then he goes to sit on his weird european sofa and asks me to join him. we end up lying there, me with my head on his chest. very peaceful. and then he says to hold on and goes to get his camera. he takes pictures of us together and we look at them on the little screen and finally he kisses me.
i will not go into detail on the rest of the evening except to say that i didn't sleep with him and it was wonderful. the next day i had that wonderful feeling of slightly swollen red lips from hours of kissing and i never felt pressured into anything. which, sadly enough, surprised me as a result of a couple of not great experiences i've had this year. i left him knowing i probably wouldn't see him again. he just got out of a relationship, and i'm moving to california. evenso, the glow that comes from a night of mind-numbing kissing is one that i wish i got to bask in more often.
the physics of a song
On Saturday afternoon, after accomplishing very little in my first hunting round in
Santa Cruz, I headed up to
San Francisco to hang out with Allison and her boyfriend Rusty. They live in a gorgeous flat in the
Richmond district and I was pleased to find that it was a sunny 60 degrees there. We went to a neighborhood sandwich/coffee shop and hung out on the sidewalk while I ate my first pseudo-meal in 24 hours and we caught up on everything going on in each others’ lives.
From there, we cleaned up and caught the muni to the Fillmore area and had dinner at Golden Era. They were amazing hosts, so amazing that they actually cancelled the dinner reservations they had made at a ceviche place when they found out I was vegetarian and let me find a veggie-friendly place. Dinner was awesome and I found that yes, Virginia, there is a vegan sweet-and-sour chicken dish somewhere in the world and soon I will be only an hour away from it. I had the lemon chicken and it was actually better than the real thing.
After that, we headed over to the Fillmore to see Old Crow Medicine Show. This is a band that I have only recently discovered (in the last month) and I really like them. The Fillmore itself is an amazing venue and they have literally every inch of wall space in the foyers and outer rooms filled with posters from all the amazing shows they’ve hosted there. The theater is large but not ridiculous with red velvet walls and gorgeous chandeliers flanking both sides all the way from the back to the stage. In addition, there is a big aluminum bin filled with apples at the entrance to the theater for every guest.
The show was spectacular. The band played three sets with no opener, so it ended up being a solid 2 ½ hours. And they tore it up. Somewhere about an hour into it, I fell in love with the lead singer. He was wearing a bandana which normally might bother me but his skill with the fiddle and singing acrobatics won me over. I spent the last half of the show trying to figure out if that glint of metal in his left hand was a wedding ring or the harmonica. Incidentally, he proved my theory wrong that no one playing a harmonica that is attached to the neck like head gear can be attractive. I would let the man do all kinds of things to me with that harmonica on.
The crowd response was awesome. Very few times in my life have I been to a show where I felt like everything comes together to create the perfect musical experience. That transient feeling of complete bliss. I am not a crowd person normally. I’m a bit of a hermit and I like my privacy. Bubbles are not just meant for blowing; they are meant for keeping the crazies out of my personal space. But on occasion, it’s a welcome intrusion.
I must say: there is a certain kind of joy that can only be experienced with hundreds of other people. Where your heart swells up and you feel nothing but love and awe for your fellow man. The guy next to me asked for my arm to do-see-do. There was clapping, there was singing, there was not a bad seat in the house. When they finished, there was an absolutely overwhelming response from the crowd, where everyone cheered and screamed as if there was no other option. They came out for the encore and played two more songs, then left the stage. Everyone screamed. And screamed. And clapped. And stomped. The whole theater shook with the sound and with the vibrations of feet on carpet. They came out again, in awe of and humbled at the reaction. Three more songs were played. Again they left the stage. Again the crowd refused to stop. Out they came for a record three encores.
There was not a moment when this band faltered. Every note, breath, and word was fully committed to. No second was wasted. As we walked out of the theater, bodies humming with joy and throats hoarse, I grabbed a huge red apple. We climbed back onto the muni and I bit into it as we lurched forward. I think I have perhaps never tasted anything as sweet. I offered a bite to my friends beside me. They couldn’t resist.
one step closer
i have an apartment. after an excruciating few days driving around santa cruz in a crappy chevy malibu rental and i would guess at least 100 phone calls and 40 emails to people, i was passed over on my favorite place in favor of a family friend and settled for the next best backyard cabin type place which cost $400 more. in case anyone is wondering what the going rate for a 300-square-foot cabin 3 blocks from the beach on the west side of santa cruz is, it's $1250 with bills included. hellooooooooo student loans. i knew when first i put my fingers to your paper, we'd be intimate.
it also turns out that i grossly overestimated how much of my stuff i'd be able to bring with me to cali. i thought i was doing pretty well, i thought i was a rational level-headed girl. i am moving into a place where my "closet" is a curved 4-foot-long pipe screwed to two walls at the foot of my bed (in a loft). overall, though, if i have any complaints i must address only myself, as i passed up several more spacious places in favor of ambience and perceived serenity. what can i say? i am a gambler.
this is at the end of my street...
taxicab confessions: the truth serum
lately i have been thinking about the effects of alcohol on people's honestly and (in)discretion. i am a person who isn't affected by alcohol in any but the most normal ways. i get maybe a little louder, a little clumsier, maybe just a smidge more ballsy. but i know others who get *forward*, forgetful, or completely forthcoming with information that is either suppressed truth or hops-colored glasses.
a couple of weeks ago, i was conversing with a guy whilst drinking. we hit it off, talked for quite some time, started off sober, got more intoxicated, and eventually it comes out that he has a girlfriend. the guy invited me to a party, on a planned vacation they were going on, all while his girlfriend was in the room. here's what i'm wondering: shouldn't someone who is wont to be faithful still be faithful while drunk? can the mere addition of alcohol truly threaten a relationship that is marked by mutual respect and love, or does it signify an untruth in the guarded sober mind?
