mandalay

warning: contemplations following. in the last year or so, i have had a number of relationships or almost-relationships that have helped me learn a few things. 1) my one truly serious long-term relationship was actually a lot more mature than i once thought. despite the fact that travis was lacking ambition, he was the most caring, understanding, accepting, forgiving, supportive and loving boyfriend i have ever had. what wonders. 2) i am a woman who knows what she wants. i may sometimes take my time figuring out what that is, but once i've decided, there is no going back and thinking "is this really what i want?" "is this best for me?" or "what if i'm wrong?" i make my decision and i'm instantly ready to acquire what i want. this is true whether we're speaking of wanting to be in a new place, wanting to meet someone, make out with someone, get a piercing, buy a pair of shoes, have ice cream for dinner, go to grad school, whatever. the downside to this is that i seem to be in the minority here. how are there so many people in the world that won't do what's necessary to get what they want, what will make them happy? 3) other people don't seem to feel the same sense of urgency that i do. i think that if it feels right to take things slowly, then that's what should be done. but if it feels right to move forward, why not do it? 4) men and women are very different creatures. 5) i am very different from other women. i am not good at playing games, and i play hard-to-get best when i truly don't want to be gotten by the other person, which is to say, i can't do it when i should.

posted by amanda @ 11:42 AM 0 Comments

lone star and mistletoe

so thursday night a few friends came over to have a small holiday celebration. i baked shortbread, cherry nut cake, chocolate chip cookies and got eggnog and whiskey and a case of lone star. i even had a christmas tree up. the night started tame but took an unexpected turn later when ashley, dave and i came in from a break outside to find that mac and david had gotten into my underwear drawer. i've now seen two of my guy friends wearing my underwear and bras over their clothes. i was too surprised to even be embarrassed. they also found my robes. that's right. i have about 3 robes, all hung up on the door in my bathroom, two of them are kimono-types that i got from my grandmothers from trips overseas. once dave put on my tie and fedora, i had to intervene, so i took them from him and gave him free reign over my hatbox which is full of scarves, suspenders, my corset, etc. oh the things that ensued. suddenly everyone was sporting a scarf, some around the neck, some around the head. i don't think i've seen people playing dress up like that since i was in 5th grade. i think it was about that time that mac decided we should play king's cup (everything kind of runs together so this may have happened before). somehow i ended up having to drink the king's cup, which was fine until we played a second time and mac made up a rule midway into the game that whoever got the last king, in addition to having to drink the awful mixture of lone star and whiskey and coke, would have to run outside across the street in their underwear and stand there and wave before running back. surely i wouldn't draw the last king again, right? i'd already gotten it once. wrong. i didn't even have to draw it. it drew me. it was the last card left in the game, so as soon as ashley drew her card, she hugged me because we all knew what this meant. i was ushered into the bathroom against my will and ashley picked out the underwear i would wear (she decided i should put some sexy ones over the more conservative ones i was already wearing, because if you're gonna embarrass yourself and freeze your ass off, you might as well do it in style), so she picked out a revealing black lacy number and i put them on and put on one of my robes and they practically forced me downstairs. wait? why did everyone go downstairs? i thought they would be watching from the window. no no no. wrong again. finally i conceded and ashley took my robe and i ran across the street in the 20-something-degree-2-a.m. night, waved and ran back, my toes almost numb from the pavement. how does this happen? that was pretty much the extent of the evening, lots of drunken deeds and ashley getting her ass slapped under the mistletoe, because according to david, "we're doing things differently this year." hehe. ah christmas.

posted by amanda @ 12:22 PM 0 Comments

back

hello internet. so i've been indisposed for a while, stressed at work, stressed about grad school applications, spending hours and hours doing intensive poetry-editing. yes, there is such a thing as intensive editing, even of poetry. oh and i've been sick.

but right now, i'm sitting at my computer in my frosty blue-colored flannel pajamas that have little yellow stars all over them that i bought when i was still a *teenager* from that icon of teenage girl hip-ness, delia's. when i went off to college and was talking to the roomie that i hadn't met yet, long before i had to wake up to her bare/thong-clad ass every morning because the covers had fallen off, or held her hair back when she puked at shelby's party, and loooooooong before she made out with my best friend freshman year at another party, well anyway, before all that, we both settled on delia's duvet covers in the exact same material as these pajamas that i'm wearing right now for our beds in our dorm room at the Virgin Vault (also knows as SRD). they're pretty swell. yay flannel.

so recently, i've been hanging out with new people. and i certainly don't have anything against my old friends, but almost all of the ones from austin have left, so my circle has been shifting. this is what i've found: there really is life out there. i tend to forget sometimes when i get too comfortable with my routine and don't really go out that much that it is possible to meet new people in this area. i'm not saying i'm having a change of heart or anything - i'm still going to leave austin at some point in the next year - but right now i'm sitting here in my awesome little hyde park apartment, thinking, you know, this place isn't so bad.

the last 3 weekends, i've hung out with my old and dear friend shelby - first weekend we went downtown, a week ago he had a party, and on saturday he and i had some people out to the ranch to chill and party around a fire, barbeque, and enjoy the hot tub and steam shower at my parents' new house. the weather was perfect: cool, breezy, in the 60s during the day, 40 or so at night and the stars were absolutely amazing. it reminded me of the days when i used to drive out of the city limits in midland to this place we called "the grassy knoll" which was near an oil well on a backroad and we would just sit and talk and look at the sky and enjoy the dark and the simple pleasure of each other's company. if only life could be like that every day.

my supervisor quit/got fired on friday. i've been at this job now for nearly a year, and the last six months, i've been able to make myself stay because of her. she's one of those really earnest and dedicated people, and yeah, i know i just write courses for a website and i could be doing a lot worse, but it's definitely not what i want to be doing. now of course, everyone's gears are turning and we're all thinking about finding new places to go

i thought some of you might be interested to see some of the poetry i've been working on, so i'm going to include one here. more later.

heart

Delicate thing, ruby shadow,
Forged of crimson and bones.
It's just a clot, cold terminal;
Nobody calls it a home.

Such a carnivore--hearts don't have chambers,
Neat little carpeted rooms of desire--
But webs of fur and threadbare wings
And finger bones still clutched together.

Where is the muscle within this mass?
The stretch, the grow, the sinewy strength,
The pump that forbids all emptiness,
The totem against a lifetime of ache?

What nourishment to offer it--
What feeds this feeding heart?
Not bowls of water, nectar, or rice,
Or light to dispel the dark.

The British know there's balance
Between savory and sweet.
The choicest desserts require sacrifice,
Best pudding made with neck and feet.

The secret is to use it all,
Be it collarbone or skin--
We do not love what is whole,
But what we make whole again.

I'll boil it, then, this whole damned stew,
Simmer with chocolate and clove,
Serve it as it was meant to be--
Pain thickening into love.

posted by amanda @ 1:04 AM 0 Comments