that damn grass
lately i've been thinking a lot about what i need to have when i start grad school. i know that it's not imperative that i have every lens i could ever use or the $2500 digital camera that i want, but it seems like every time i blink, i'm seeing a photo taken by a nikon camera and thinking goddamn i want my pictures to look like that. and here's the thing. i made really nice photos with my little 1972 manual canon. i loved using it, i didn't have a problem having to focus manually and rewind it myself. but ever since i got my 20d i feel Dumb. that's right, with a capital D.
to me, the digital world has sapped my creativity. whereas i should have been freed by the widening of opportunity you get with one camera that can shoot at all different film speeds and different conditions, i felt like it took away my choices, my ability to adapt. so now i'm torn between trying to really *figure out* my camera and just wanting to go back to film. which i love. which i can never replace. it's like getting a letter instead of an email. there's just something to be said for having a hard, tangible record of someone's existence. to know what went into the record of communication, the thoughts behind it. i don't think i could ever give that up.
Labels: photo
yellow
do you remember being fearless? really fearless in a way that kept you from ever averting your eyes or backing down? i just got off the bus and there was a girl on there, riding with her father and her grandfather, and she was probably about 9. my parents have told me that when i was young, i would go up to anyone and talk to them, would never worry about what i "should" do. most of you probably know a bit about bus etiquette. you don't normally look at anyone directly, unless it's by accident while you're shifting your gaze somewhere else. blank stares are encouraged. talking to people is acceptable only if a) you got on with the person, or b) you're insane. this girl was blonde, tan, had blue eyes, the men she was with looked very rugged and her grandfather was a veteran. a guy got on the bus and he had headphones on and she told him that she liked his shirt. he didn't hear because (of course) he wasn't looking at her and his volume was up. so she moved toward him and said more loudly that she liked his shirt. she would just look at people and not in that distracted kid way but directly as if she has just asked them a question and was waiting for an answer. now i will do some forward things, but it's never without fear, it's a conscious effort always to get past my reservations and live in spite of them. anyway, just a thought.
i've been away a while and started several posts that i never finished. here's a quick retrospective on the last two and a half months of my life:
1) i got accepted to nyu.
2) i cut the hell out of my hand while photographing out at the rhizome collective brownfield site. how? you ask. christening a boat. pictures to follow.
3) i went to new york to look around and sit in on a class. i saw adrienne, got lost on the subway a few times, walked a LOT and tried to get a feel for the city. i met some cool people and the class was amazing, but...
4) i decided not to go to nyu. just can't do it. i realized that i don't want to JUST be doing poetry, and i would prefer to do photography right now (which i've been wanting basically since i got back from maine).
5) i joined a photographer's group with my friend robyn and a bunch of people who work with GSD&M. i've already met some great photographers and may be doing a joint gallery show with them in a few months.
6) i started walking to work once or twice a week. that's from hyde park to south of the river. being in nyc made me realize i should get mobile.
7) i got a raise. i just may stay at my job a while longer.
8) i've been writing. like a crazy fool since i got back. turning down a creative writing mfa program got my creative writing juices flowing.
9) i've been learning guitar.
10) i've started lifting weights.
that's really about it. i've got a bunch of projects in the works and am hoping to really get started on them in the next month. gotta go apartment hunt...
Labels: future, photo, poetry
